Like A Child

Bubbles, so many bubbles. They are floating aimlessly into the evening sky, holding onto their short lives with all they can muster until they can’t hold on to existence any longer. They are being chased joyfully by their little maker, and they float up and up and up as she runs with her bubble toy on full blast. She is watched closely by her father, who she hands her toy to every once in a while so she has the freedom to catch as many bubbles as her tiny hands can reach. From my perch on the couch inside my neighbors’ house across the street, I feel like I’m watching a movie. The simple joy that she is so effortlessly exuding unknowingly sneaks a smile onto my own face. It’s the kind of joy that is contagious, even at a distance.

Brace yourself, because to some of you this next part might sound a little cheesy. As I watch this scene play out on my driveway, it’s hard not to wonder if this is the kind of relationship the Lord envisions with His children. With me. A protective and loving Father, watching as I find and experience the joy that He has given me. He grins with one of those big, toothy smiles when I realize (again and again) that complete surrender to Him gives me the freedom to chase after all of His blessings with all of my being.

I know it might sound silly, but my favorite lessons from God are when He speaks to me through those little moments. He knows that I am a visual learner, and the truths that He wants to teach me will stick the most when He tangibly shows them to me.

When I was a freshman in college, I used to joke that my favorite bible verse was Matthew 18:3 – “Truly I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven.” In that season of life 5 years ago I was still wearing bows and watching animated movies on a regular basis. I was frequently referred to as a “5-year-old at heart” and I did everything I could to avoid growing up. I loved to use this verse as my excuse to be a child forever – you can’t argue with God’s Word, right? There’s nothing wrong with embracing the inner child, but I had other intentions.The little thread of truth hidden in this joke of mine gave me a reason to stay on the surface, embrace the parts of being a Christian that are easy, and run from any part of Him that were too challenging to face.

Flash forward a few years and a simple sermon by my college pastor brought me face-to-face with my ignorance when he talked about the difference between a childish faith and a child-like faith. His words sent chills of conviction down my spine as he talked about the dangers of worshipping one part of God instead of all of God, focusing on the feel-good and avoiding the truths that are much harder to come to terms with. My change of perspective led to me letting go of my contentment with the comfortable truths I chose to pursue, and brought me into a whole new season of wrestling with the hard parts of His Word and learning about theology and listening to people talk about concepts that I could barely wrap my mind around.

It’s funny (and ironic) how our good intentions can get so twisted when we’re not consistently re-centering them on the Lord. My original purpose of pursuing His truth soon became less about Him and more about me. I wanted to learn and retain as much as I could, and when simply enjoying His presence was no longer enough, my pursuit of knowledge lost its purpose.

In this season, the Lord has been bringing me back to His simple truths. He knows me well enough to know that right now, I desperately need them. I desperately need to be reminded of how much I do not know compared to how much there is to know – of Him, and His Word, and His Creation. For a girl who loves to learn, this lesson is hard for me to accept. I so badly want to reach a point of full understanding, and it has taken me weeks (okay, probably months) to come to terms with the truth that until the day I walk through those gates of Heaven, I will never fully know Him. I will never fully understand His ways. I won’t be able to comprehend why He gives and why He takes away, why He ordains both good and evil, why He saves those who He chooses to save and condemns those who He chooses to condemn. It is my worldly desire for control and power that makes these truths so hard to live with. I want to do things on my own, and even in my rebellion He is showing me how impossible that is. Apart from Him, I can do nothing.

I am praying today that His simple truths are proclaimed loudly in the depths of my heart. I am praying that He brings me back to a state of contentment in the idea of an “unknown” that cannot be fully known. I am praying that He will gradually make it easier for me to be okay with sitting at His feet and surrendering all that I want to be for all that He is. I used to hide in the safety of a childish faith – today, I am praying that by His grace I can rest in the child-like faith that He is asking of me.

And if you happen to be reading this, I pray that He weaves these truths into your heart today too.

Happy Sunday, friends.

Good

I have been wanting to write for a while – September of last year to be exact. I had a grand plan to continue blogging regularly, processing life after Africa and my last semester of college and my transition into the “real” world and everything in between. I guess you could say things didn’t go as planned, because those months passed quickly and a lot of life happened. I barely gave myself time to sit down and soak it all in, much less write about it.

So here we are.

I am one month + a few days into my life as a grown up, and things are splendid. My job is great and my friends are great and I am incandescently happy. I think it’s safe to say I’ve got it all figured out.

…just kidding. Not even movie characters get it that good.

My job is hard. On the surface, it has become a daily rhythm (albeit an opposite rhythm, thank you night shift). Sleep – eat – drive – park – clock in. Listen – assess – meds – chart – assess – chart – meds – chart – talk – go home – eat – sleep — and the cycle repeats. It is a good rhythm, a fun rhythm made all the more entertaining by great co-workers and adorable patients. But on a deeper level, it is hard. I talk about children dying in a much more casual manner than it should ever be addressed. I watch parents do everything for their kids whose brains have forever been changed by unexplainable, mysterious injury. I watch babies fight for life as big machines deliver each breath to them through a plastic tube in their throat. I give med after med to dying kids, knowing that for some this is their only chance for survival – the only thing giving them a few more months of hope. It sounds depressing… well, because it is. At work it is easy to see it as just that – work. Another shift, another patient, another sad story. Another kid spending another night in the hospital, worrying about another procedure when all he should need to worry about is what snack to have after school and what animals he wants to see at the zoo. No child should have to worry about when their last day will be. No parent should have to watch their child suffer inexplicable pain. But where I work, that is my new normal.

And then there is the rest of life that is squeezed in between each week of work, long stretches of time filled with sleep + exercise + errands + sleep because “that’s all I have time for”, but really because finding a new community in an old city is hard. I made the conscious decision to let go of a lot of my college community after graduation, telling myself that this would be better in the long run. I thought, “these college friendships are so transient. People stay for 4 years tops and then everyone goes their separate ways. It will be much more beneficial for me to find a new community with friends that are here to stay.” Sounds reasonable, right? What I failed to realize was that this decision hit “reset” on my social life – I am back to square one. In college, friendships come easily because they are all around you – people your age, living in your dorm, experiencing the same rhythm of life as you, looking for the same companionship. After college, this kind of community doesn’t come so easily. It isn’t staring you in the face – you have to go searching for it. You have to put yourself out there, stretch your boundaries, get through the awkward surface-level phase of friendship and commit to really digging deep. All of my favorite things (HA. Jokes.) For me, that means being okay with going to church alone + spending Saturday afternoons exploring waterfalls “with Jesus”, because reminding people that He was there is easier than admitting that yes, I went alone, and no, I did not have anyone else to go with.

“In the midst of the darkness, Jesus is still good.”

Have you heard this phrase before? It pains me to write + meditate on these words because I have rarely allowed myself to really believe them over the last few months. I have let that phrase, that truth float between knowing it and really knowing it. I have heard + read + written it over and over. I have begged the Lord to engrain it into my heart and mind. I have clung to it, gripped it hard until my hands are sore and my knuckles are white because sometimes I feel like it’s all I have left to hold on to in this dry season. When the weeks pass by and I still haven’t found a home church. When I open my Bible every morning and fight against the apathy that sucks the joy + learning out of that time with Him. When I struggle to remember the last time I really felt His presence. When I realize that my once grounded faith is starting to look dangerously like indifference.

It doesn’t feel good to be in this place. I wish I could say that all it takes is the remembrance of this Truth to bring me back to the foot of the Cross, but it’s not always that easy. For me, right now, it is a fight. A daily battle to decide every morning who I am going to live for. Am I going to live this day for myself or for Him? Am I going to let the hours idly slip by, or am I going to use the precious time He has given me for good? Many, many days I do not have the energy to fight. Other days I give it all that I have + still feel like I am getting nowhere. I am still weak + tired + more broken than the day before.

I am ready to turn the page. I am ready for this awareness of my overwhelming sin + my deep despair to turn me back to the Cross. I know that is where He is leading me, in His own perfectly orchestrated way. I am just not there yet. But I know that at the end of this hard season there will be light. True, glorious, beautiful light. He is using my brokenness to reveal to me more of His perfect holiness, His unending love, His all-encompassing grace. I am sure of it.

These words do not stir my soul today, but I am confident that one day soon they will.
Until then, I rest in the thought that despite my shortcomings He never leaves me. Not even in the darkness.

From Mzungu to Maasai

Some of my favorite adventures are ones that I get to experience all the time, like annual family trips to the Florida beaches or exploring the forests of the Fort Worth Nature Center. No matter how many times I get to do them, they never seem to lose their sense of wonder. And then there are those adventures that you only get to experience once in a lifetime. Those times when you know that something like this may never happen again, and you spend every moment trying to soak up as much as you can so you can store it away in a mental keepsake box to have with you forever.

My week with the Maasai was one of those once-in-a-lifetime adventures. It was everything that I wanted it to be and absolutely nothing like what I was expecting. Already it seems like a dream when I start to think about it, as if part of me is still trying to accept the fact that I actually did that. I actually got to spend a week living in a mud hut with lots of bugs (shoutout to all my new daddy longleg friends) and zero electricity, working in the only health clinic in Engaruka and having my world rocked in ways that I’m still trying to process.

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I had pretty scarce background knowledge on the Maasai before I left for the village. I knew the basics about their tribe, such as the large number of people they have dispersed throughout Kenya and Tanzania – an estimated 1 million – and their standard dress code of red and blue shukas (think of them as big blankets worn as clothes) and a tall walking stick that easily stand out in the crowd. I knew that they’ve been around for centuries and are still living an ancient lifestyle, despite the quickly advancing world around them. I knew that they’re one of the few tribes to still have pockets of people practicing female genital circumcision even after the government made it illegal in 1998. Sounds like I’ve got a pretty good handle on these people, right?

Wrong. I thought I knew how their culture worked, but it took a week of simply living life together to see what their world is really like.

Sometimes, the days were incredible. We spent the mornings with Dr. Sanka at the health dispensary helping him diagnose and treat patients. The clinic is the only one in the village of 7,000 and serves at least 10,000 people – all of Engaruka as well as its neighbors in Ngorongoro and Lopendi. We treated an average of 25 patients every morning and saw everything from upper respiratory infections and pneumonia to anthrax and deep flesh wounds from an attempted murder. We got to ask questions, examine patients and help Dr. Sanka find the right diagnosis. We watched as he gave each patient the best treatment he could, despite their limited resources and dwindling storage of medications. Those days in the clinic brought with them a whole new level of heartbreaking and humbling reality.

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We would often get patients who had been living with their symptoms for days at least before they finally came in for help. Mothers with children whose vomiting and diarrhea started 5 days ago. Older men who endured their aches and pains for 2 weeks before coming in for treatment. Many of the patients we saw had mild problems, and on that first day it was hard to hold back the judgment that crept forward in my mind, wondering why they were coming in for such trivial symptoms. It only took a couple more days of prayer and observation to finally realize my “mzungu” mistake. These problems that I considered “mild” are ones that I can easily treat on my own at home. Headache? Take a couple Advil. Cough? Stop by CVS on my way home to grab some Sucrets. Stuffy nose keeping me up at night? All I need is some NyQuil to put me to sleep. I have so many over-the-counter medications right at my fingertips and along with the majority of Westerners, I often use them much more than I really need to. In Engaruka, these medications are a luxury. When a woman has terrible aches and pains after working in the field all day, she has nothing to grab to quickly relieve it. When a child is bedridden with vomiting and fatigue, the family’s only options are to try local herbs or make the long trek to the health clinic. This medication isn’t readily available like it is in the States, so they have to see the doctor to be able to get it – or face the consequences of a more serious illness if their body can’t fight it off. Suddenly their diagnoses didn’t seem so trivial.

When we weren’t working in the health clinic, we were going on adventures that taught us about the daily life of a Maasai. On Tuesday we trekked up another vertical path (Tanzania loved to remind me that I’m not as in shape as I think I am) and into a sacred refuge of trees to have a traditional goat sacrifice. We watched as the junior warriors of the tribe gathered tree limbs and started their own fire, and only slightly cringed when one of the warriors had to suffocate the goat. Thankfully, there was no gruesome throat slitting or heart stabbing – the Maasai choose suffocation because they believe it’s the most humane way to kill. It made it a bit easier to watch after Emily and I concocted a backstory for our dear friend Billy that left him with a good reason to be sacrificed. (Who else would want to leave the poor guy with terminal cancer and dementia?). The Maasai use the goat sacrifice to treat smaller complaints, many of which are health-related. Contrary to what I believed, no part of the sacrifice is spiritual – there’s a whole different ritual for those matters. This sacrifice is done to gain vital nutrients from the animal in hopes that those nutrients can relieve a person’s illness. They believe these nutrients are found in the goat’s raw kidney and blood supply, so when we got to the dissection that was the first thing to eat. Any guesses as to which one I managed to gulp down? I’ll give you a clue, it was not red. It was pink and squishy and pretty disgusting and if I’d really thought through what I was eating when I took the challenge, I don’t think I would’ve actually done it. But somehow I did, and now I can say that I’ve eaten raw goat kidney. I still can’t decide if I should be proud or embarrassed of that accomplishment…

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My favorite adventure involved a lot of dancing and a lot of laughter. One afternoon, the Maasai mamas came over to officially welcome us with their songs and traditional dances. Never before have my white girl moves been so hilariously out of place. As much as I love to dance, I quickly realized that God did not bless me with the fluid rhythm that He gave these women. Despite our lack of skill, the mamas did their best to teach us how to dance with the big white necklaces that so often characterize the Maasai women. Little did we know that we’d be using these dance moves to participate in a traditional Maasai “disco” later that day, which is their version of a night club or mixer. The warriors stand on one side of the circle, singing and chanting and taking turns jumping as high as they can to prove their manhood. The women stand on the other side and when the men finish, it’s their turn to dance in the middle and use their moves to try to attract the attention of a warrior. (Those who know me well are probably laughing right now at the idea of me dancing in the middle of a circle of Maasai. It happened, I promise.) These discos can go on for hours and are one of the many ways to find a suitable husband or wife. Luckily, Emily and I didn’t have to make that kind of commitment!

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Every moment in the village was an adventure, but not every one was easy. It wasn’t easy to keep my patience on a 6-hour bus ride sitting shoulder to shoulder with strangers and listening to chickens squawk around in the aisles. It wasn’t easy to fight the fatigue that hit every day thanks to the early morning wake-up calls that the roosters loved to give us. It took a lot of willpower to adjust to the Maasai’s slower and simpler pace, with daily “simba time” and a constant question mark over exactly what came next in the day and when it was going to happen.

It wasn’t easy to meet some of the most incredible and strong women I’ve ever met and then learn about their lower place in marriage and in society. There is absolutely no question that the entire Maasai village would crumble without the hard work of the women keeping it together, and yet they get no recognition for it. They get no appreciation or praise for building their own houses, providing and preparing each daily meal, and taking care of their children while the men sit around with their friends and occasionally watch over the crops. Despite their efforts, they get no say in anything – whatever their husband says they must submit to, unless they want to be tied to a tree and beaten or worse, sold to someone else as a wife. They are the sole providers for their households, and we got to sit and watch them bead intricate bracelets and necklaces that help them to buy enough food for one meal a day. Watching these Maasai mamas work and knowing that a few days later I would be going home to a country where women are much more recognized for their worth and are just as important in a marriage as men, was not easy.

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It wasn’t easy to watch children grow up in an environment where they hardly get the chance to be a child. I watched as a young boy walked for miles with his family’s herd of goats and cows to make sure they got enough food and water for the day, while his Western counterparts enjoyed their last days of summer by a pool and went back-to-school shopping with their mothers. I watched young girls carry around their even younger siblings and help their mothers with household tasks, already being given the responsibility that will be expected of them for the rest of their lives. I treated 17-year-old girls who were 8 months pregnant with their 3rd child, who have spent their teenage years learning how to be a mother instead of deciding what college to go to. It wasn’t easy to think of my own privileged background and realize that these children never get to experience the carefree days of simply being young.

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In the best and worst moments, God showed me His limitless sovereignty. He showed me some of the most beautiful joy through Jenifa, Fasila and Wema, some of the young girls who we met at our campsite. In the midst of their role as young women (already) in their society, we got to give them a taste of childhood with silly games and lots of pictures and endless laughter. He showed me His growing presence in a tribe that has rooted its beliefs in nature for so long. In a place where I was expecting to find no one who knew Jesus, I got to talk to Maasai warriors who loved Him just as much as I do and have a passionate desire for the rest of the tribe to feel His love too. He showed me that a life with Him does not always look the same and fit into the typical American church setting that I’ve gotten used to. He is praised just as much through a room full of worshippers on a Sunday morning as He is through a group of singing and dancing warriors on a mountaintop. God spent this week showing me that He is so much bigger than I can fathom, and even in the darkest places His glory still shines. He is working in this tribe just as much as He’s working on my college campus, and He’s using their own people to teach them more about who He is. God’s church here looks so different than it does at home, and that made it all the more beautiful.

Despite my best efforts to make that week last forever, it passed too quickly (as all good things seem to do) and before I knew it I was back at the Arusha house getting ready to come home. My week with the Maasai changed me in ways I’m still trying to figure out and I know I’ll be carrying with me for a long time. Who knows what God’s plans are for my future and whether or not He’ll ever take me back to the Maasai. For now, I am so thankful for the gift of each day that He gave me there and the things He revealed to me that I couldn’t have seen anywhere else. God is so much bigger than I will ever understand and His love toward His people is beautifully endless.

Thank you, Engaruka, for giving me the best week of my life.

– Allie

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Into the Wilderness

I like to think that my passion for Africa began with my childhood obsession of the Lion King. It has always topped my list of favorite Disney movies, and it became even more special after I got to drive through the Serengeti and see those beloved cartoon characters come to life. (Okay, that might be a bit of a stretch… but my 5-year-old heart likes to believe that those warthogs we saw really do think like Pumbaa and the family of lions really do have their own Pride Rock to call home).

I didn’t grow up dreaming of coming to Africa, though. Once I started developing my own independence the Lord placed within me a strong desire to travel, and that is a dream I’ve gotten to fulfill over and over again. It wasn’t until I started planning some kind of adventure for last summer that the idea of going to Africa began to sneak its way back into my mind, and before I knew it I was boarding a flight to Tanzania for the very first time. It was slightly terrifying and very exhilarating.

When my very creative imagination began to create pictures in my mind of what visiting (and now living) in Africa would be like, I first jumped to the stereotypical setting of mud huts and run-down buildings and going weeks without a proper shower. I was in for a surprise when I arrived last year to a beautiful lodge that acted as our home base for those two weeks. My fantasy of living in a rural village was quickly replaced by the reality of a bustling town with its own share of tourists coming to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. Our visits to tucked-away villages fulfilled my desire to see that kind of setting, but my longing to live there was left as just a dream.

This year has had a similar feel to last year, with much less exposure to the smaller villages around Arusha where most of the locals actually live. Our Work the World house is located in a more upscale neighborhood outside of town; it still has its own bumpy dirt road and African quirks like the occasional power cut and lots of hand-washing, but it’s still far from the village atmosphere that I’ve always wanted. It was the perfect setting for the work I was here for, and the community in the house was something I have valued and cherished so much. I traded a dream of rural living for a big city lifestyle (on African terms) and a busy government hospital, and I wouldn’t change a thing about the experience I’ve had so far.

However, my last week here is one of the main reasons I booked this trip. Tomorrow begins my most anticipated adventure and the day I have been anxiously waiting for since I first started dreaming about Africa. For the next 7 days, my friend Emily and I will be living in a Maasai village in Engaruka. No amount of words is enough to describe how incredibly excited I am!

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The Maasai are one of the tribes of East Africa. You may have come across their name in a National Geographic magazine or a book about the region; they are easily the most well known tribe here. Part of the world’s intrigue over them comes from the vast differences in culture and lifestyle that they have compared to the quickly advancing modern society that surrounds them. They are mostly native to Tanzania and Kenya and they can be easily picked out of a crowd because of the bright red and bright blue fabrics that they always wear. Their villages are as rural as they come in Africa – no electricity, no running water, no other neighboring communities and no technology to speak of. This is the kind of place I thought I’d never get the chance to live in, until now. Until tomorrow!

For the next week, I’ll be living in the wilderness. I’ll be finding out what it’s like to live like a Maasai in every way and enjoying the disconnect I’ll have from the rest of the world. As excited as I am to share my experiences there with you, it will have to wait until I get back – most likely, until I get all the way back home!

Now that I’ve put 4 weeks behind me, it is a strange feeling to be sitting here writing my last blog post in Arusha and what could very well be my last blog post in Africa before I get back to the States. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I have only been here for a month, and yet they have flown by so quickly. I’m not one for cheesy clichés, but I can’t deny the truth that time really does fly when you’re having the best adventures.

While I’m spending this week away from the rest of society, I would love some prayer! I’ve been warned by 2 of my Christian sisters who have been to the village already that this experience will challenge me in every way – physically, emotionally, and most of all spiritually. It will require a whole new level of being “unashamed of the Gospel” (Romans 1:16) as I live among a people who have their own organized religion and may have never heard of Jesus before. I hope to share His love in whatever ways He calls me to, whether that’s simply through my actions or the words that He provides.

I have a feeling this week is going to change my life and grow me in new and different ways than my time in Arusha. I hope that the Lord keeps my eyes open and my heart eager to learn as much as I can about these people.

Until next weekend, kwa heri! See you on the other side of the wilderness 🙂

 

– Allie

Paradise Found

Paradise is a funny thing. It is desired because of its beauty and mystery, and yet it can be ruined if it is not properly appreciated. Too much time in paradise can erase its wonder. Too little time can hide that wonder completely. The best trip to paradise reveals incredible experiences and leaves the traveler with a greater sense of awe once they leave. As much as I would have loved to stay in Zanzibar for an entire week (or two…or three), I don’t think it would have been the same. Zanzibar is paradise in every sense of the word, and our weekend gave us the most adventurous and relaxing holiday we could’ve asked for.

I didn’t make the decision to go to Zanzibar until my first day here. By complete coincidence (flashback to one of my first blog posts), I ran into a group of 5 Work the World students returning from Zanzibar when I arrived at the Kilimanjaro airport. I ended up riding back to the house with them and they shared so many amazing stories from their trip. That’s when I made up my mind to try to make it happen, and it only took a few days for my friend Emily to join in. The week before we were set to leave, we convinced our new friends Mark and Janae to tag along too. We were planning to meet up with 2 other girls who had finished their placement the weekend before and were spending an entire week in Zanzibar. It was shaping up to be the perfect getaway.

Planning vacations in Tanzania is very different from the U.S., and we found that out quickly as we endured the rollercoaster ride of trying to work with our travel agent, Bobby, to confirm our flights just a few days before our intended departure. On Tuesday, we had flights confirmed for Thursday afternoon. By Tuesday evening we were told that those tickets were suddenly unavailable and no flights had any seats left. By Wednesday, we had flights booked for Friday but just a few hours later the price of the tickets and the hotel had suddenly increased. The entire process of trying to work with a man who I’m convinced is some sort of gangster left us exhausted by Wednesday afternoon. Looking back on it, it was the perfect attitude for us to have when we walked into his office and told him that we couldn’t go anymore if the prices increased. That was enough to convince him to “give us a discount” and we finally walked out that day with tickets in hand (despite our terribly misspelled names… you can call me Allison Duofolonin from now on). At that point, we were just hoping that the trip would be worth the stress we endured to make it happen.

It only took a few hours in Zanzibar for all of us to agree that if we had known how incredible it would be, we would have agreed to pay so much more. Every moment that we spent there held a new adventure. Our arrival was perfectly timed with the setting sun on the horizon of the ocean, a sight that I had been longing to see since our family’s last trip to Florida. It was my first time seeing the Indian Ocean and it was beautiful.

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I lost count of how many times I had to remind myself that I was in Zanzibar, on vacation, experiencing something incredible. When I think back on it I can’t believe some of the adventures we had; thankfully the pictures are convincing enough that it actually happened. For example, on Saturday morning we swam with turtles. We did not just watch them swim or feed them. We SWAM WITH TURTLES! As in swimming so close to them and hopping on their shells to take a ride around the pool. They were housed in a natural conservation area, and most of them were brought there after they were accidentally caught in fishermen’s nets. The area was fairly large and there were at least 40-50 turtles that called it home. I couldn’t help but think of what this experience would’ve been like if it had been in the U.S. It would have been very organized, a “turtle trainer” would have been present in the water the entire time, and there probably would have been a time limit and a very high price attached. In Zanzibar, we paid 15,000 shillings (about $10) to jump into the pool and swim with the turtles for as long as our hearts desired. The staff gave us some seaweed to feed them, and just a small handful was enough to attract a swarm of turtles. It was surreal to look underwater and see so many of these beautiful creatures gliding around us. The big fish were equally hungry and beautiful, and thankfully they didn’t fancy going after our toes. I’m pretty sure I was in a state of surreal content for the entire morning. Even as some of our group left, three of us stayed and just sat on the edge of the pool as the turtles took turns swimming up to us and sitting on our laps (literally…massive, 29-year-old turtles sitting on our laps. Who knew they liked to cuddle?!). I think I could’ve spent the entire day there.

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My other favorite moment of the trip was the sunset cruise we had on Saturday night. The shallow waters off the shore are riddled with old wooden boats made by the locals. One of these acted as our vessel to take us up and down the northern coast as the sun set on the horizon. When I think back to our entire weekend, those 3 hours are what I consider most as paradise. Sailing in the ocean with 5 good friends, watching the shore pass by on one side and the setting sun on the other, drinking local beer and listening to the drummers sing African songs. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It is the kind of memory that I want to return to so badly, but any attempt at re-creation of that night would never be able to do it justice. Even the pictures don’t truly capture the atmosphere and bliss of that night.

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Our time in Zanzibar was a getaway that we all needed. As much as Arusha had already started to feel like home, it embodied that word on a whole new level after that weekend. Going on a vacation within a vacation (kind of) was a weird feeling, and it solidified my ability to really call Arusha “home”, for now.

As incredible as Zanzibar was, I don’t want to forget who made it all happen and who created it all in the first place. We would never have worked out all of the messy details beforehand without the sovereign hand of God fighting for us. He gave us grace, gave us peace and gave us the most amazing adventure we ever could have asked for. I got to see some of His most beautiful landscapes in those few days and experience His creation up close. Not every moment of mine was God-glorifying and obedient, but He taught me so much about His forgiveness and endless love over those 4 days. Even in my weakest moments, He was there. I feel Him the most when I get to spend time near His immensely powerful and beautiful ocean, and He gave me that time there for a reason. For me, it gave me the rest I needed before going into my last week of placement. I can’t praise Him enough for knowing what I need in every moment.

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Zanzibar, thanks for being the most wonderful paradise.

 

– Allie

 

Unparalleled Joy

Today was the day I was supposed to post a blog about my adventure-filled weekend in Zanzibar. I’ve got that post written too, and I’ll have time to upload it tomorrow or later this week. But I have something much more important to share with y’all. Today I get to praise God for His INCREDIBLE sovereignty.

During my first week in Arusha I shared the story of Richard, also known as “Little Richie”. At the time he was a very tiny preemie I had met in the NICU at the hospital and instantly fell in love with. I knew I shouldn’t get too attached – his size and state of health weren’t at the best place for a promising future – but it was hard not to. Despite his size he was so alert, aware and fighting for his life. I wrote about his life story in one of my first blog posts and begged y’all for lots of prayer because he so desperately needed it.

Two weeks later I got the chance to go back to the NICU and to my disappointment, I couldn’t find Richard anywhere. We tried to ask the nurses on staff about his whereabouts but they weren’t very helpful and we couldn’t get a clear idea of where they had taken him. In the back of my mind I assumed the worst; I was sure he had died and they didn’t want to tell us, or maybe the nurse on shift wasn’t there when it happened. I tried not to think about it too much after that and worked on slowly detaching myself from the little boy I had let capture my heart.

And then yesterday happened & there was so so SO much joy.

Yesterday, we found Richard.

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Little Richie

Can you believe that this is the same baby?! Just a few weeks ago he was emaciated and tiny and hanging on by a thread. Today, I got to go see him at his new “home” and he is BEAUTIFUL in every sense of the word. He is bigger, he has more meat on his bones, he gets the nutrition he needs and he is getting the chance to grow and develop well. They moved him to a baby home in Arusha called Watoto Orphanage. Right now they have 10 kids that they have taken in, Richard included. The owner, Claire, is very focused on family-centered care. Not all of the children there are necessarily orphans; many come from broken homes or mothers that cannot adequately care for them. At Watoto, the parents have the ability to visit their children regularly. Claire is planning to build other houses near the orphanage so that families can stay close by and she can help to provide education and resources as they adjust to the challenge of raising a child. Despite her condition, Richard’s mom gets to visit him whenever she can. His future is still a little uncertain, but for now he is in very good hands.

I cannot explain to you the unparalleled joy that I felt when I first heard about Richard and got to see him today. Last week, I didn’t think I’d ever get to see him alive again. Today I got to look at his precious sleeping face and praise God for His incredible sovereignty. I do not doubt for a second that Richard’s new home is the result of powerful prayers that God has answered. Richard wasn’t dealt the best hand when he first came into this world, but God is faithful and He has provided a place for him to get a real chance at life. There is no greater feeling of wonder and joy than watching prayers get answered. Thank you so much for your own prayers of support over the past 2 weeks! They were heard and they did not return void. Every word surrendered to God made a difference.

& so His faithfulness continues.
God is SO good all the time. All the time, God is good.

 

– Allie

A Tanzanian Woman

When I was in middle school (and began the transition from girl to woman), I started to hear about the Proverbs 31 Woman. The topic was popular in youth group sermons, small group discussions, and Christian conferences throughout high school and college. For anyone who hasn’t read that passage in the Bible recently, Proverbs 31 describes a true biblical woman. Obedient, faithful, “clothed with strength and dignity”, hard working and filled with grace. It has always been taught to me as the type of woman I should strive to be.

I have known many great women in my life that fit the description of Proverbs 31, but by far some of the best examples I’ve found are the women of Tanzania. They have strength in body and spirit like no other woman I’ve seen. They are confident and caring, affectionate and incredibly bold. They have warm hearts protected by very thick skin. So much is placed on their shoulders – figuratively and literally – and they are never caught complaining that it is too big of a load. They do their work in silent obedience. They are incredible and beautiful.

This week, I’ve gotten to see Tanzanian women in a very different and raw setting. I started working in the Maternity ward on Monday, and every day has been a crazy adventure. If you’ve started to picture these women in single rooms with nurses and midwives by their side as they go through the grueling process of labor and birth, stop thinking now. These conditions are nothing like the privilege we’re given in the U.S. I walked in on Monday morning to find 8 hospital beds in one room, 7 of which were already full with women in various stages of labor. Each bed had one curtain for “privacy” (which are rarely used), and the mothers had a small space where they could store their belongings. Since the hospital is so low on supplies, the mothers are in charge of bringing what they want to be used during the delivery. Most of the time they bring their own kangas (blankets) to wrap the baby in and cotton to catch and clean blood and amniotic fluid. Some of them will also bring cord clamps if they can afford it; if not, the end of a glove is used to tie the cord instead. The women are given no pain meds, no alternative relief measures to help them during labor, and barely any company while they endure the excruciating experience of bringing a child into this world. In their culture, showing any signs of pain is frowned upon and criticized. Most of the women lie in their beds in silence, letting occasional moans escape while they transition through labor. The most noise I’ve heard them make is only when they’re pushing or when they are given an episiotomy without anesthetic, and even then it is nothing compared to the screams and groans that are allowed and even expected of women giving birth in the States.

Even trying to explain it doesn’t seem to give these women enough credit for what they go through to give birth. The best thing I had to compare it to was watching my sister, Emily, give birth to her daughter Talitha. It was incredible and beautiful and one of the best days I’ve had the opportunity to experience. But I can’t imagine getting through that day without a spacious and private hospital room, her husband Riley providing so much love and support, and eventually an epidural to give her that last bit of rest and strength to deliver. These women don’t have any of those things when they give birth, and yet still they maintain their strength and dignity.

After I dealt with the initial shock and awe that hit me on my first day in Maternity, God opened my eyes more to the beauty that is present in that room. Despite the isolation and pain, God is there and through His strength so many new and healthy lives have been brought into this world. This week we watched at least 15-20 births in our morning shifts; according to the record book, almost 100 have been born since Monday. Yesterday and today I got to experience being the one to deliver the baby from start to finish, from the first sighting of the head to the beautiful moment when the baby is pulled out and the mother sighs in relief as she finally gets to hold her child. Not every birth has been easy, though. This morning I had to watch as a woman got an episiotomy without any pain relief and cried out for forgiveness because she thought her suffering was punishment. No amount of comfort or gentle words could shake her from the cultural roots embedded in her.

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The worst moment we’ve had this week was the delivery of a stillborn today. We watched as the woman sat in tears with her baby on the bed across from her, processing the news that she had just been given this morning when she came in with contractions. We sat on the bed beside her, offering hugs and hands and words of sympathy, as we watched the other nurses and midwives work around her because it is not culturally common for them to sit and comfort a grieving mother when there are other things to do and other mothers to assist. We all held back tears as she said goodbye to her child and were filled with bitterness when we had to leave her in the postnatal ward, surrounded by mothers with healthy babies. For these situations I don’t have a good answer or an easy explanation. The most I could do was hope and pray that God was with her and He would heal her.

This week has only continued to show me how much a Tanzanian woman embodies the description we’re given in Proverbs 31. I hope that one day I can have even a fraction of the strength that I see in these women. What they go through, even just in childbirth, is deserving of the utmost respect that they often don’t receive here. I wish that I could introduce all of you to these women, but until you come and meet them yourselves I hope that this post gives you an idea of what they’re like.

 

– Allie

Meet Mohammad

I have been meaning to write this post since our safari two weeks ago, but time (and Internet opportunity) has escaped me and I’m just now getting a chance to write it. Despite the delay, it is still worth the read I hope!

Without further ado, meet Mohammad. (See that guy on the left? That’s him!)

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I met Mohammad bright and early at about 6:30am the day we left for our safari. He was our guide for our 3-day adventure to the Serengeti and Ngorongoro Crater. He was bright and energetic compared to our tired faces that were still adjusting to the early morning of a new day. Over the span of our journey, he taught us so much about the parks, the animals, and the Maasai villages we passed so frequently. He seemed to have an answer for every question we gave him. My favorite stories of his, though, were the ones he told us about himself.

Mohammad has been working as a safari guide in Tanzania for 15 years. For so long he has sacrificed his time and energy to drive groups of tourists through the parks that he loves so much. He grew up in Arusha and he lives in a village not far from the town center. We had a chance to stop there on our way back, and it was like many of the villages I’ve seen here. Dusty, cramped, and crowded with run-down buildings and makeshift home arrangements. He lives with his three young kids, and much of his extended family is only a few houses away. His wife died a few years ago in a car accident & he has been a single dad ever since. (Rumor has it he has a long-distance girlfriend, but we’re not sure how true that part is. More on that subject later). He managed to get the safari job at a time when he was desperate for work to support his family and stumbled into the opportunity. He’s now so experienced that he helps to train other new guides in the company.

Here’s my favorite part of the story. Mohammad used to be a part of the Maasai, a commonly seen tribe here in northern Tanzania. Their populations extend into southern Kenya, but they don’t recognize governmental borders – to them it is all their territory. They are the only people who are allowed to live in Ngorongoro Crater. They’re also pretty low on the totem pole in Tanzanian society and are often looked down upon by other tribes. Despite their lack of popularity, their villages are numerous. Many of the tribes still practice polygamy and men will be seen with multiple wives. One of the villages we passed was home to a 72-year-old Maasai man with 40 wives, 99 kids, and 120 grandsons last time they counted. For that reason, HIV is very common in their communities. That’s the extent of my knowledge on the Maasai for now, but I hope to have lots more to tell you after I spend a week in the village!

Mohammad made the decision to leave the tribe once he was old enough because he didn’t agree with the practice of having multiple wives. Now, he and his brother have started to try to do something about the continual growth of HIV infection among the Maasai that is largely a result of their practice of polygamy. They recently started a program to educate the Maasai about HIV and hopefully begin to prevent it. So far they’ve reached 40 men, 15 women, and 35 young boys. They hope to have the opportunity to educate many more and prevent HIV from being so widespread.

This was my favorite part of Mohammad’s story because it is my favorite way to see change happen in a community. As a foreigner (or “mzungu” as they call us), I can only do so much to reach the people here. I can serve them for years and years and even live with them for the rest of my life, but my different background and roots – made pretty obvious by my skin color – will be enough to keep a constant barrier between us. Even if that barrier shrinks and shrinks throughout the years, it will always be there. But in Mohammad’s case, he has an incredible opportunity to make a difference with the Maasai. He was one of them and he knows what their culture is like. He knows what they value and he knows the best way to reach them and convince them to adopt a better lifestyle. He is using his past and the community God has given him to make a difference and give the Maasai a chance at better health and fuller lives. From what I have seen, working from the inside out is much more effective than bringing in foreigners to try to make a difference.

On top of that, he is simply a wonderful man. For our entire safari he was friendly, charismatic, kept us laughing and took such good care of us – even as we battled a flat tire, overheated radiator and several other car problems. His favorite line to use was “better than nothing, right?” It became more and more ironic as we saw 4 of the “Big Five” animals and were continually amazed by our safari experience. Mohammad isn’t just a great safari guide, he is a man with a mission and I hope that God continues to use him to impact his people.

Fun fact: Mohammad also asked one of the older girls out on a date when she met him to get her binoculars the day after we got back. Based on her account of the visit, it was pretty adorable – but unfortunately for Mohammad, she wasn’t interested.

And as a gift for getting through another long post, here are a few of my favorite safari pictures from the weekend. I can’t even describe what it was like to drive through some of the most beautiful landscapes and see some of God’s most amazing beasts up close. I was literally IN the Lion King and my 5-year-old heart was in heaven.

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See what I mean by “Lion King Moment”?!

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– Allie

Fighting for Life

Now that I’ve been living in Arusha for two weeks, it’s starting to feel like a home away from home. New experiences and first impressions of wonder have become daily routines and gradual exposure to what life here is really like. It’s beginning to transition from feeling like a vacation to feeling like another place that God has given me to live. When I’m at home in America, not everything is lovely and perfect and there are plenty of hard days to face and fight through. In my very first blog post I promised to share the good and the bad here, and today I’m fulfilling my promise. Today was one of those very hard days.

This morning we thought our day was going to be wonderful. We took the day off of placement to visit the hot springs about 2 hours away from our house. We planned on spending the late morning and afternoon there, relaxing after a long week and enjoying the bliss of having nothing to do but soak up the sun and marvel at the incredibly clear water. After about an hour of paved road and an hour and a half of trekking across bumpy dirt fields, we finally arrived. It was incredibly beautiful & set the scene for a perfect day.

(Sorry for a lack of pictures… I have some beautiful ones, but I haven’t had a chance to upload them yet!)

We had only been there for 20 minutes when it happened. I saw it from the very beginning. I saw him standing on the edge of the water in his bright red shorts, and I remember wondering if he was a local or another tour guide – maybe for the older lady who had arrived shortly after us. When I first saw him, he was watching one of the girls swing into the water on a hanging rope. He looked hesitant as he stood on the shore, and I wasn’t sure why. I must have looked away or gotten distracted by the small fish biting my feet, and when I looked back in his direction he was gone. A few seconds later his hand appeared above the surface, waving and fluttering frantically. That is when my mind froze, and that is the moment I have returned to again and again, racking my brains to try to figure out why I didn’t react sooner. I saw his hand and my instincts said that something wasn’t right, but I didn’t budge from the branch where I was perched all the way across the pool. Some other part of my brain wondered if he was trying to imitate some kind of animal to scare us, like a fish or a snake. A few seconds later some of the other girls noticed the commotion too – and still I was frozen. I watched as Rachel, Elle, and Emily began to swim over and asked us if we thought he needed help or was just pulling a prank. I waited for what seemed like eternity for them to finally reach him. And then their chilling screams broke through the silence, desperate pleas for help over and over as they realized that this was no prank. This man was drowning, and we quickly became his only hope for survival.

That is when my mind & body finally seemed to wake up from the frozen fear that had overtaken me. As the girls around me started to realize what was happening I jumped off of the branch and swam to the edge of the pool, fighting my way out of the water and sprinting around to the smaller shore where the commotion had traveled to. By the time I got there Emily and Rachel were hysterical, screaming and shouting for us to go after him. He was nowhere in sight. They had pulled his unconscious body from the depths of the water in an attempt to get his head above the surface and were forced to let him go when his body weight was too much for their arms to handle anymore. There was a strong current carrying him forward, and Elle went after him as he drifted under a huge overhanging tree. We yelled to Elle to see where she was, and for a few painstakingly long moments we waited in silence. Finally, her voice came out of the brush. She was okay. The minute I heard her voice I jumped into the water to help. Once I got past the thick line of branches, I saw them. He was alert and wide-eyed with a mouth full of foam, arms wrapped tightly around the tree trunk. Elle was right behind him, using her arms to pin him to the tree and keep him out of the water. The current was stronger on this side of the springs; any farther and they both could have been whisked down the river. Elle began shouting to the other girls to form a line so that we could get him back to land. I grabbed a nearby branch to steady myself, wincing as a thorn dug its way into my forearm. His shaky hands grabbed my shoulders and he began to make his way across the stretch of water as he moved down the line. It felt like an eternity, but they finally managed to pull him out. He sat there, stunned, as several girls tried to get him to cough up the water that was surely settling into his lungs. Everything was still for a moment. Everyone was in shock.

It is Emily and Rachel who will have the biggest trauma to recover from. They were the ones to reach him first and pull his lifeless body back up to the surface. They were the ones to see him motionless, to see the threat of death get closer and closer as he lost the ability to breathe. They were the ones who were forced to let him go when their strength gave out, with no idea as to whether he would live or die.

We left the hot springs as quickly as we could. No one wanted to get into the water again. We had another scare when we realized that one of the other guides who had jumped in to try to help was still down there. Thankfully, he was able to reach the other shore and pull himself out. Haji, the man who almost drowned, was a guide for an older woman who had stopped by to see the springs. He didn’t know how to swim. The woman was furious, and she acted almost like a mom figure for us as she took control of the aftermath and made sure he knew how dangerous his situation was. She praised us all as heroes.

The emotions came in waves after we finally drove away. I am ashamed to say that some of my first thoughts were wishing that I had been one of the first girls to get to him, as if I could have made some kind of difference. I would have put myself in even more danger. All of us in that water were at risk for not making it back out, especially if he had never regained consciousness. My mind was reeling with “what if” scenes the entire journey home. It was terrifying and exhausting.

Once a few hours passed and the wave of emotions began to fade into numbness, one truth remained in my mind as my sole source of strength. I have to hold on to Jesus. I HAVE to hold on to Jesus. When the worst becomes reality and you see the threat of death up close, Jesus is the only one whose comfort and hope cannot be diminished. The looming feelings of shame and regret wanted to turn my “what if” wonderings against me so that self-blame took over. But there is no place for that, because the most important thing is that Haji is alive. It doesn’t matter how it happened or how close he was to death. He is ALIVE. And that is solely because of the saving grace of God. I don’t know why He allowed us to go through this traumatic experience, but I know it would have been much worse if he had died. God used each of us there today to save his life, and He deserves all the praise for that because we couldn’t have done it without Him. I still can’t wrap my head around how Haji went from unconscious and drowning to alert and clinging to a tree in a matter of seconds; only the work of the hand of God can explain that. I don’t for a second wish that we hadn’t gone that morning, because if we hadn’t been there that man wouldn’t be alive. Maybe he wouldn’t have jumped in at all, but if he had no one would have been there to save him. Thank goodness we were all medically trained.

As I slowly began to try to move past the events of the morning, one of my first and strongest desires that day was to be in the warm and safe embrace of home. I wanted to melt into the arms of my family and forget about everything that had happened. I wanted all of my emotions to disappear. I didn’t want to feel anything at all anymore.

As I write this now, it has been two days since the near drowning incident and each day is better than the last. Already my mind has started to blur out the trauma of that morning and allow the scene to drift into the hidden corners of my memory. Although it is difficult to recount, I am so glad that I used the car ride home from the hot springs to write down everything I could remember. At first it was just an attempt at distraction from the tears that so badly wanted to escape, but now it is the most detailed account I have of the experience. Each passing day has made it easier to see the incredible blessings in those painful moments. It is so evident that God was there, and He placed us there for a very specific reason. Despite the traumatic memory that we all walked away with, God used us to save the life of a man that He was not ready to lose yet. I have no idea if Haji knows Jesus at all, but I hope that he realizes how valuable he is. God saved him for a reason, and I hope he uses that for the glory of the kingdom.

At the end of the day, all I have is Jesus and the steady love He provides even in my darkest moments. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good.

– Allie

P.S. One of my favorite blessings of that day was getting to help wash the dishes after dinner and spend the night dancing and singing with Witness. I am so thankful for the motherly warmth and the comfort she gave me. Praise God for this incredible woman who has given me more than she will ever know.

Unpredictable Chaos

Have you ever seen Grey’s Anatomy? Many of the episodes begin with a patient being rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and wheeled into the ER while all of the doctors are doing assessments and shouting orders to each other and trying to figure out how to save the patient’s life. As a devoted Grey’s Anatomy fan, I have seen so many of these scenes and it gets my adrenaline going every time. The stress, the tension, and the unknown that surrounds the patient’s situation makes me so intrigued that I can’t stop watching until I find out what happens.

That is the kind of scene that occurs every day in the Mt. Meru ER, or as they call it here, Casualty. After a slower pace last week in the Pediatrics ward, I decided to jump over to Casualty this week to see how I liked it. I’ve only spent one day in an ER in the U.S. during nursing clinicals and I remember being a little overwhelmed by the continuous flow of patients walking through the door and the mystery illnesses they brought with them. This past experience made me hesitate to request a placement in the ER for this trip, but I can tell you now that I deeply regret it.

Casualty is best described as unpredictable chaos. It can be extremely quiet and empty one minute, and the next thing we know there are 4 different patients being wheeled in with serious injuries. The part of the ward we work on is the main Casualty room where the most emergent cases are brought. It’s comprised of a single room with 3 beds available for incoming patients, two cabinets for medications and supplies, and a small desk where the doctor can sit. The more severe cases are taken straight to a bed, and the less severe patients are seated at the doctor’s desk to be evaluated.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that literally anything can (and does) walk through that door. In just the past two days we’ve seen gruesome wounds from car accidents, broken and dislocated bones, head lacerations, continuous seizures, miscarriages, HIV complications, heart failure, knife attacks, and lifeless bodies. There have been unconscious patients wheeled in with absolutely no clues as to what happened, and all we can do is assess and stabilize them and hope that we can get a solid diagnosis later. Today there was a woman who came in as a victim of a motor accident with a leg swelled up to at least twice the size it should be, the result of a hemorrhage secondary to a broken femur. We are usually the first to get to a new patient, and we are left with hand gestures and our broken Swahili to try to figure out what happened until the doctor has enough time to come over.

The biggest challenge in this ward is the language barrier. When I’m standing beside a patient who has just woken up from a fainting episode and has no idea where she is, I so badly wish that I could tell her that she’s been taken to the hospital and everything’s going to be alright. When a woman comes walking in vomiting blood and clutching her stomach, I wish that I could ask her how many times she’s vomited and when it started. But of course it’s in those crucial moments that my basic Swahili words go out the window and all I can think to say is ‘pole sana’ – I’m so sorry. It’s in these moments when all I can do is hope that they can understand an affectionate smile and warm touch, and pray that they see Jesus more than they see me.

I’ve only been on the Casualty ward for 2 days and I have already fallen in love with it. The fast pace and the unknown that surrounds each patient is exhilarating and addicting. It is not easy to see the state that some of these people are in when we first see them, and sometimes my lack of Swahili and position as a nursing student makes me feel pretty helpless. But it has allowed me to learn so much and have more hands-on experience than any other ward has offered. I’ll try to spare you the gory details, but it’s safe to say that what I’ve seen here is nothing like what I’ve ever seen in the U.S.

If you feel compelled to, prayers for these Casualty patients is so needed. The lack of resources, medications, and life-saving measures makes even the most minor injuries life-threatening if they’re not treated quickly and correctly. Sometimes in the most helpless situations, all I can rely on is the sovereign and healing hand of God. I hope that even in the smallest ways, He is using us to take care of these patients and hopefully save their lives.

 

– Allie